(undated) "Reinvention"

What can I possibly write to you that you don't already know? Or will know by the time this gets to you? Forgive me if this ends up being repetitive to something we might have already discussed during its transit. (NOTE: I'm not sure if I had planned on sending this to MJF at this point or what)

Out here everyone talks about reinvention - of both the industry and the self. That one must constantly reinvent themselves so that he/she can seamlessly adapt to the churning river of change going on in the business. That no longer is any one job specialized, nor is that job secure. That despite the lack of work there must always be something lined up. That my broad generation of "talent" drops in, takes over, conquers and destroys. That I've entered mid-game during a stale-mate.

It's funny how I don't exist here. I mean I live here. I occupy space. But I am one out of a million that occupies space here. And while this might not seem like a new concept to be the "small-fish-in-a-big-pond", the normal response is to go out, make friends, enjoy the new life. I'm having a hard time adjusting. It's almost as if my life never existed before Winston, and then ended shortly thereafter. I have suffered an identity death. Out here I don't know who I am. I don't know what I want, and opportunities vanish before I'm even aware of them.

The real truth is that for the past five years I've been trying to figure out what I want through irrational means. I've never healed from what happened with my dad, and I think I'm beginning to suffer for it. I can't even remember why I wanted to be a filmmaker any more. Now it's just something I have to do because I've got too much to lose if I don't. I have loans, I have expectations, I have the education. All I lack is the desire.

There has been an enormous pressure put down upon my shoulder that I can no longer bear. I am unhappy in this life and have begun fantasizing about change. I'm on the wrong path toward my happiness. I can't live this unfocused, out-of-control life any more. I need to concentrate and center myself.