From 9/3/08, "Dry humping at the concert"

I feel that I should note my food intake for the past couple days.

Monday (at the BBQ)
Was supposed to limit to 200 bites. Fail. Massive fail.
Grape tomatoes
Edamame
1 slice of bread
1/4 c white rice
teabag size grilled yellowtail
1/3 c cucumber salad
iceberg lettuce salad w/ 1 sliver of avocado
tea-light candle size apple tart

Tuesday (writing workshop)
1 can Cherry Coke Zero
2 mini peanut butter cups
6 crackers
7 potato chips
small wedge of watermelon
1 fig newton
8 cubes cheddar jack (BOO!)
1 key lime cookie (at home)

Wednesday (today)
2 c coffee w/equal and cream
2 cans mac & cheese
purge
300 cals worth tortilla chips and salsa
1 Rolling Rock beer

I'm at about 143lbs, and I don't think that I'm trying hard enough. Especially after looking back on just the past 3 days. I'm embarrassed by Monday's intake. But I didn't know what to do. I was so hungry. I feel like such a failure. I'm still trying for 140 by Saturday. Maybe I can just do coffee tomorrow, and if the chips and salsa tempt me like I know they will, I'll indulge then repent.

I flaked out on a date with someone tonight. I had no motivation or ambition to even try. My mind is once again being clouded with MJF, and I can feel myself losing focus and ground. Although I may have tortured myself by cutting off communication with him before, I was more concentrated and attentive. I cannot lose my focus right now. I still love him. I still imagine myself sharing a life with him, and the fact that I do makes me blind with rage and disappointment - in myself. I am not to be trusted with the life of a relationship - I'll kill it. I only want what's best for me, and obviously don't care who or what I hur. And I'm even angrier that the pages of this journal are once again being filled with this fodder. Major stress still triggering major eating issues.

ABOUT THE CONCERT...
The concert was insane. For nearly half the show I was slammed against the huge ass of a middle-aged, bleach blonde fat goth chick with a sorry tattoo (NIN, Spiral, lyrics, Reznor's no doubt forged signature) on her back. She kept using her butt to push me off her. It was as if an elephant stampede was charging at me. She kept screaming at me to stop touching her fresh tattoo, to which I retorted, "Don't get a fucking tattoo the day before you willingly stand in a mosh pit!" There was a perpetual army of skanks clinging to the guardrail, all waiting for that fantasy moment in which Reznor outstretches his meaty arm and pulls one of them backstage to fuck. Good luck with that. All of them hold this fantasy beneath the exposed roots of their cascading, jagged, fried, and tinted hair.

But I can't lie. I too have had this fantasy. I don't want his money, his fame, or his children. Just him and his fascinating propaganda. Because as we all know, this country doesn't have enough white males with stilted opinions. Some are simply cut from a more attractive cloth.

But I digress. So there was the elephant woman. then my hair tie was pulled out and my hair was down for the rest of the show. At the mercy of the crowd no less, so I'm lucky I still have hair. There was some fellow dry humping me for a good half hour. And I have to admit, between watching Reznor simulate masturbation and this dude's junk grinding on my ass, I got mildly excited. Not to mention I was dripping with sweat, and there was mood music a-playin'. That's when I decided to slither away from the rail, and start to enjoy the show instead of fight for my life. And once I did, the show was amazing. My body was wrecked today, but totally worth it.

I hope I get to do it all again in Columbus in November. MJF wants to get a hotel if we go. Which makes sense, as it's a 3-hour drive from Cleveland to Columbus. How convenient. I suggested that he beings his brother along (to uncomplicate things, I thought to myself), but I know we'll go to the show, get wasted afterward and have sex in the hotel room. Not the worst of times by any means, but totally stupid and a means of complication. But it's inevitable if I get the chance to go to that show, we will fuck.