From 9/7/08, "Making plans is all I do"

Spoke with MJF today. I can hear the want in his voice as if he's just short of saying "I love you, be with me." And in my dulcet tones I somehow manage to deliver to him the same encrypted message. The strange thing is, that we're both enjoying the freedom that has come with separation. At least I have been. But put us in a room together and what happens? We're two prisoners locked in our own sentiment. We're getting too close. Too comfortable.

G is completely out of the picture. I believe it was me who drove him away, with my incessant advice on dating and whatnot. Had he been forthcoming about his feelings, which are now painfully realized, we would not be in this situation. If silence and distance can work with MJF, so too can these things work with G.

I feel that I should note my plans for my eating habits:
Mon-Fri, b/p/r
Sat and Sun, indulge and p if necessary
I met my goal of 140 for Saturday. Then I ate after the concert and today, so I'm feeling bloated and disgusting. This week, my goal is 135. (All purge, no play, must make goal for Saturday)

I'm not sure what is more difficult: living my life pretending I don't still love MJF and being miserable, or loving MJF openly in a relationship that shows no prospect of freedom. I can't let him go, but I can't live a life where he is the only man in it. I'm so immature. How many more fucking pages of this book are going to filled with senseless shit like this?

Most days I just want to send him a letter like the one on the adjacent page and hope all my problems go away, when in reality something like that would be the catalyst for disaster. (NOTE: on opposite page of journal is a 2-line letter that reads:
"M,
I love you and I don't
know how to deal with that.
R."
So here is my plan:
For G: no more letters until he writes one in response. No texts unless provoked. Certainly no phone calls. Time to play Distant and Aloof.
For MJF: he can make the first move. I'll figure it out from there.

Another Sunday of revelations. How have I allowed life to steer me in these directions?