From 9/12/08, "False hope and bad poetry"

I feel that I should note my dismal food intake for today:
1/2 bag soy and flax tortilla chips
13 soy nuggets
purge

Bread and cheese - ate too much of this today. The who demi loaf of the rosemary bread w/o purging. Sad.

And yesterday BF from Panavision took us out for lunch during prep for Samantha Who. I had fries and a whole veggie burger. I felt so completely bloated after eating it, it almost ruined the rest of my day. I'm ruined for this weekend. C has off the next 2 days. No purging when she's home. Can't be done. This is very upsetting.

And then MJF has been distant the past couple days. We're getting close again, but this time it feels different. Like we could be friends as well as lovers. I can see myself with him, and this makes me nervous. 1. I know I'd get lost in some affair again and hurt him. 2. He has a lot of enemies. I can't afford to be an enemy by proxy in the business that I am in. Too many lost opportunities if we got back together. I can see being with him like an addiction. When times are good, he doesn't exist to me. When times are hard, he is the one person I can count on to make me happy and the whole world right again. Now I understand my brother's relationship with Katy. It was something I could never understand until I began doing it to someone as well.

And I recently found out that G has a new girlfriend. This is also sad. It's fun to harbor impossible dreams. This one's over. I felt myself wake from that thin veil of sleep and being a long rehabilitation that is destined to be repeated.

Love
Is like an etherized patient
Waking from a thin veil of sleep
To begin a long rehabilitation
He is destined to repeat.
Cognition is absent
Comprehension is marred
Recovery is inevitable, but
Still he cannot see past his
Momentary weakness that
Cripples his foresight.
Unwilling to remit, he hopes for
Death.