Monday, February 8, 2010
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
"Midpoint"
So, for those of you just tuning in, let me clue you in on the contents of this blog so far:
Right now, I am recounting journal entries from the past year of living in Los Angeles. For the first time reader, may I suggest the entries "Spartacus" and "Still Out of Work".
Then, please subscribe. Tell your friends. Maybe someone can profit from my misery, and somehow seek the methods for recovery that I never did.
Right now, I am recounting journal entries from the past year of living in Los Angeles. For the first time reader, may I suggest the entries "Spartacus" and "Still Out of Work".
Then, please subscribe. Tell your friends. Maybe someone can profit from my misery, and somehow seek the methods for recovery that I never did.
From 4/11/09, "Nothing can stop me now..."
24 today. Just showered, as I plan on going to Chinatown in a little while. I've been contemplating death all morning. And I want to say: That I'm sorry for being such a disappointment to everyone I've ever known. It is inevitable that this journal is going to be found sooner or later. Those of you who have been able to stomach the contents thus far, I applaud and comment your courage. And am sorry that the last entry in this journal may potentially be nothing more than a pathetic, apologectic, and weak goodby not in the most traditional of suicide fashions.
I've not been stable for quite a number of years, as one can imagine from reading this.
(NOTE: went to Chinatown. Had a horrible day. Wanted to die. But later in the day wrote...)
Maybe today's not the day.
I've not been stable for quite a number of years, as one can imagine from reading this.
(NOTE: went to Chinatown. Had a horrible day. Wanted to die. But later in the day wrote...)
Maybe today's not the day.
From 4/7/09, "Is this happiness? Sign me up."
Too long since my last entry in december. My attitude has shifted upward since.
In reviewing previous entries I noticed that the first time I entered BC into this book was on Halloween of last year. (Incidentally, I just realized that this is the first entry of 2009.) It's apparently been around 8 months since we started sleeping together. If memory serves correctly, our first night together was September 30th. The only reason I'm able to remember this date is because I was incredibly sore the next day for my first shift at Glendale Costumes. We've been sleeping together on the regular ever since.
He's told me over and over not to fall in love with him... It's not a deep and passionate yearning to be with him, the feeling is there... I feel like we're both coming into a new skin. Simultaneously realizing that our feelings may run deeper than a bi-weekly romp. Perhaps it's just me. I'm most likely talking out my ass, and he is perfectly content in keeping the relationship we've already established. You can't change a person. As this is a fear of mine, I have remained silent on my feelings. Truth be told, I don't want to mess anything up. But he's so wonderful. Makes me laugh. Loves my writing, which, the narcissist in me says is the biggest turn-on.
What to do, what to do?
In reviewing previous entries I noticed that the first time I entered BC into this book was on Halloween of last year. (Incidentally, I just realized that this is the first entry of 2009.) It's apparently been around 8 months since we started sleeping together. If memory serves correctly, our first night together was September 30th. The only reason I'm able to remember this date is because I was incredibly sore the next day for my first shift at Glendale Costumes. We've been sleeping together on the regular ever since.
He's told me over and over not to fall in love with him... It's not a deep and passionate yearning to be with him, the feeling is there... I feel like we're both coming into a new skin. Simultaneously realizing that our feelings may run deeper than a bi-weekly romp. Perhaps it's just me. I'm most likely talking out my ass, and he is perfectly content in keeping the relationship we've already established. You can't change a person. As this is a fear of mine, I have remained silent on my feelings. Truth be told, I don't want to mess anything up. But he's so wonderful. Makes me laugh. Loves my writing, which, the narcissist in me says is the biggest turn-on.
What to do, what to do?
From 12/23/08, "Totally out of control"
I've got to get out of here. LA was a shotgun blast to the chest with no exit wound, allowing infection to fester inside. I'm sincerely losing control here, and dream daily for a method of escape. I don't feel that I ave a place anywhere, and I'm choking on an ever-thickening despair. My only solution is to sit with my head in my hands unable to cry, unable to think. A sense of complete unfeeling has overtaken my body, allowing whoever to do whatever as I remain stoic and sad.
I don't fear death, but question the afterlife. If I had a firm grip on who I was, I would end it all, to use the trite and careless phrase. I can't stand who I am or what I've become. I only want it to stop. I feel like the world has abandoned me. No sympathy for those who lag behind.
(NOTE: I had created a list of words coresponding to the emotions attached to the entry. I don't know why some are capped and some are not.)
Denial
self-loathing
Hatred
scared
lonely
restless
bored
tired.
no sense of self
unfeeling
unlovable
conflicted
Abandoned
Used
Desperate
Disparaging
failure
Useless
Diminished
addicted
branded
destructive
appalled
reckless
I don't fear death, but question the afterlife. If I had a firm grip on who I was, I would end it all, to use the trite and careless phrase. I can't stand who I am or what I've become. I only want it to stop. I feel like the world has abandoned me. No sympathy for those who lag behind.
(NOTE: I had created a list of words coresponding to the emotions attached to the entry. I don't know why some are capped and some are not.)
Denial
self-loathing
Hatred
scared
lonely
restless
bored
tired.
no sense of self
unfeeling
unlovable
conflicted
Abandoned
Used
Desperate
Disparaging
failure
Useless
Diminished
addicted
branded
destructive
appalled
reckless
From 12/20/08, "Fear and Loathing and Purple Ink"
(NOTE: this journal entry was written in a purple pen. Most irritating.)
Purple ink. How I loathe the very idea of it. It reminds me of all those rubric busy-works that grade school teacher forced upon me.
Again, after much anticipation, TC stopped by last night. He's been coming by, on average, once every two weeks or so. I've begun collecting our online chats so that one day when my laziness is lifted I will write my book. I'm nine pages in and a lifetime away from the end. Hopefully these journal pages will serve as a guide. Although much of me was torn to bits three years ago in an argument over MDF with MJF. Regret inevitably ensued, and still haunts me today. Surely it's not the emotions contained, but the phrasing that I valued. My inner sentiments have and will remain the same. Those days were no different, except now I express more outwardly.
I want to curse this pen! But it is the only one that I have right now with the gel ink and structure and form I like. Such as it goes.
I'm resigned to the fact that despite my best efforts, MJF is always going to be a part of my life. No matter how much I protest and fight, somehow he's always there. Perhaps this means something, perhaps not. I'd like it if he was truly the friend that I could turn to, but I know that I can't even turn to him for $20.
I've hinted to him about my conquests since I've been out here, but he has no clue as to how long this madness has really been going on. There's no need for that.
I want to start talking about KC, but my mind is too tired. So I shall leave it at this for tonight: British, pt 2.
Purple ink. How I loathe the very idea of it. It reminds me of all those rubric busy-works that grade school teacher forced upon me.
Again, after much anticipation, TC stopped by last night. He's been coming by, on average, once every two weeks or so. I've begun collecting our online chats so that one day when my laziness is lifted I will write my book. I'm nine pages in and a lifetime away from the end. Hopefully these journal pages will serve as a guide. Although much of me was torn to bits three years ago in an argument over MDF with MJF. Regret inevitably ensued, and still haunts me today. Surely it's not the emotions contained, but the phrasing that I valued. My inner sentiments have and will remain the same. Those days were no different, except now I express more outwardly.
I want to curse this pen! But it is the only one that I have right now with the gel ink and structure and form I like. Such as it goes.
I'm resigned to the fact that despite my best efforts, MJF is always going to be a part of my life. No matter how much I protest and fight, somehow he's always there. Perhaps this means something, perhaps not. I'd like it if he was truly the friend that I could turn to, but I know that I can't even turn to him for $20.
I've hinted to him about my conquests since I've been out here, but he has no clue as to how long this madness has really been going on. There's no need for that.
I want to start talking about KC, but my mind is too tired. So I shall leave it at this for tonight: British, pt 2.
From 10/31/08, "Halloween, more of the same"
Happy Halloween. My life is indeed a hellish nightmare. I feel guilty that this is my first entry in over a month. This is partially due to the fact that the raw angst diminished for a brief time, and had a brief stint in [emotional] rehab. I've been enjoying life working at the Glendale costume Shoppe, and found a happiness akin to my childhood fantasies of becoming a costumer/designer. But dear heart, do not despair - I'm crawling my way out of remission and back into the hellfire of an unsettling and vengeful depression; like an old pair of jeans, the fit is natural.
So much has happened over the course of one month. It appears that I never entered BC into this book. We have since been together twice, after the date of the previous entry... I encountered B first at game night. A week or two later, he was in my bed. Two weeks after that, back again. Funny thing is, last week (our last encounter) he was my 2nd person in a span of 4 days.
TC. He's an englishman, and makes me melt to the floor upon every word spoken from his soft, accented lilt. He's gorgeous. We fucked. After only a face-to-face meeting of under an hour. He's my buddy now.
I met KO through C. He was two years ahead of me in school, and had somehow slipped my radar. Girl code plainly states that you DO NOT date your roommate's crush. I can't help who is attracted to me. And KO is. And we've gone out a couple of times. He's nearly 40, and a writer. I don't understand my attraction right now, other than the fact that I won out over C. That again I obtained the XY goal before any other woman could. The real truth is, he's a great guy with a lot going for him. My draw feels genuine, as we went out on a second date today, and I didn't sleep with him. Kudos to me! But I see it in his eyes. The way he looks and observes. And I'll allow it.
Something strange is going on with my vision. I have been getting migraine auras, minus the migraine, followed by temp peripheral blindness. I concerned that I am going to experience total blindness at some point. I don't know if this has any correlation to my purging; that I've maybe strained my eyes and did damage behind them.
I feel here that I should put down some of my eating habits over the past few days:
Sunday
container of Trader Joe's mac'n'cheese, purge
some chocolate candies
3 rum and diet cokes, involuntary purge
Monday
nachos from Poquito Mas, maintain
Tuesday
Chinese food, mmaintain
Wednesday
pizza, maintain
Thursday
Doritos and fries, purge; a couple Reese's
What a disgusting little piggy I've been. Time to get control. All purge, no play, must make goal for Saturday. No meals until next week. No disputes. Purge all.
I don't even want to devote time talking about MJF in this entry. He's having issues, and I feel that he's upset at me because, once again, he's misinterpreted something that I've written. A blog, for G. Totally platonic. He totally misunderstood. I'm about to wash my hand of the whole thing.
(NOTE: and then I proceeded to make "Of Mice and Men, pt 2" but more detailed for all you curious cats out there...)
David H
Jason C
Ryan P
Justin T
Mike F
Matt F
Andy
Ben W
Joe C
Alan K
Ryan L
Chuck G
Ben C
Tom C
Guy Whose Name I Can't Remember
Kurt C
Brandon T
So... is there some kind of celebration when I reach 20?
So much has happened over the course of one month. It appears that I never entered BC into this book. We have since been together twice, after the date of the previous entry... I encountered B first at game night. A week or two later, he was in my bed. Two weeks after that, back again. Funny thing is, last week (our last encounter) he was my 2nd person in a span of 4 days.
TC. He's an englishman, and makes me melt to the floor upon every word spoken from his soft, accented lilt. He's gorgeous. We fucked. After only a face-to-face meeting of under an hour. He's my buddy now.
I met KO through C. He was two years ahead of me in school, and had somehow slipped my radar. Girl code plainly states that you DO NOT date your roommate's crush. I can't help who is attracted to me. And KO is. And we've gone out a couple of times. He's nearly 40, and a writer. I don't understand my attraction right now, other than the fact that I won out over C. That again I obtained the XY goal before any other woman could. The real truth is, he's a great guy with a lot going for him. My draw feels genuine, as we went out on a second date today, and I didn't sleep with him. Kudos to me! But I see it in his eyes. The way he looks and observes. And I'll allow it.
Something strange is going on with my vision. I have been getting migraine auras, minus the migraine, followed by temp peripheral blindness. I concerned that I am going to experience total blindness at some point. I don't know if this has any correlation to my purging; that I've maybe strained my eyes and did damage behind them.
I feel here that I should put down some of my eating habits over the past few days:
Sunday
container of Trader Joe's mac'n'cheese, purge
some chocolate candies
3 rum and diet cokes, involuntary purge
Monday
nachos from Poquito Mas, maintain
Tuesday
Chinese food, mmaintain
Wednesday
pizza, maintain
Thursday
Doritos and fries, purge; a couple Reese's
What a disgusting little piggy I've been. Time to get control. All purge, no play, must make goal for Saturday. No meals until next week. No disputes. Purge all.
I don't even want to devote time talking about MJF in this entry. He's having issues, and I feel that he's upset at me because, once again, he's misinterpreted something that I've written. A blog, for G. Totally platonic. He totally misunderstood. I'm about to wash my hand of the whole thing.
(NOTE: and then I proceeded to make "Of Mice and Men, pt 2" but more detailed for all you curious cats out there...)
David H
Jason C
Ryan P
Justin T
Mike F
Matt F
Andy
Ben W
Joe C
Alan K
Ryan L
Chuck G
Ben C
Tom C
Guy Whose Name I Can't Remember
Kurt C
Brandon T
So... is there some kind of celebration when I reach 20?
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